Friday, December 10, 2010

From Ashes

The most brilliant student of English department, a record mark scorer in many papers and a leader in doing all crazy things… This is a one sentence description about me in my graduation days. Teachers and my friends trusted and loved me a lot. Then to my post graduation days; it was same scene there in first year. My wishes started to bloom like the flowers in spring. I thought I’m the luckiest girl in this universe. Slowly everything dried up. I started loosing my grip. All my reporting, projects and other works were done for namesake. I couldn’t perform well in the placement tests. Naturally everything went against me. No one recognized that I’d gone gloomy inside because I addressed everyone with my usual smile. I couldn’t apply properly even to local media. I completed my course and left quietly.

I moved away from strangers; kept a distance from known-faces. The fire in my words vanished. The only thing I’d write were poems about sadness and loneliness. Words of feminism which once I cherished never came in my thoughts. Whenever I go online, I preferred to be invisible. The group of fourteen I gathered got dispersed. I’d a cold war with my ‘rocking cousins’ and went away from them too. I created a world of darkness around me. All my ‘so thought’ dear ones did not stay with me. Then I understood the real meaning of the old Malayalam song which says ’you’ll have 1000s around you when you smile; but you’ll have only your shadow when you cry’… Even in those times, I’d a few people who supported me.

My mindset affected my health and I was thrown into bed for one month. Blood started disappearing from my veins making me anemic. It was a time for self-realization. I was like a king who had lost everything in a war. Now I know, whatever I’d lost cannot be gained again. So at present I’ve nothing with me. I’m a beginner. Bad memories of past should not affect my thoughts. But the glory I’d in my hand should be remembered to move on further.

From ashes, I’ve to rise like a phoenix. Expect me soon in such a state!!!

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